Jeb Bush

Priebus Lost: Book 2

OUR desp’rate Situation, though describ’d
In part before, is not by one account,
Though desolate, sufficiently enfram’d;
With such Vignettes alone one cannot hope
To grasp in full the vast Calamity
Upon our Party render’d, nor discern
Th’initial Root of our dismay from that
Which later it engendered; therefore, Muse,
Speak now of th’origin of this great Plight,
Of the beginning days, th’initial strokes
When Candidates announced themselves, and full
Of expectation, by ambition wild
O’errun, could each believe in Victory,
As one assur’d that they alone would rise
And claim the party’s mantle, Challenger
To Hillary, foul Clinton, long besmirch’d
By sordid Conduct, stain’d by Soldiers’ blood
From ill-secur’d Benghazi, and misuse
Of private E-mails too, mementos dark
And damning of her time as Sec. of State,
A horrid Reign which any Resume
Would tarnish. Any Nominee who fac’d
A Foe of such malevolence for sure
Could halt that malice Coronation, by
The Lib’ral Media and its Overlords
Engineer’d, that dark Machinery
From its destructive course stay, and rebuff
Th’advances foul of its cruel Architects:
Incompetent Obama, whose designs
Of Healthcare and Taxation vested pow’r
Tyrannical upon the Feds, and stripp’d
For his dark ends the People manifold
Of basic Rights; and too the Kingmaker,
Demoniac Soros, whose titanic Wealth
A foul agenda served, and nothing more:
To sow division his singular aim,
And undermine our Mores: and so advance
A global Order, with him its vile King.
Against these Stakes a host of Challengers
Took Arms, and made their bid to lead the charge
Against our polyvalent Enemies,
And Reag’n’s long unimpeach’d Significance
From th’Oval Office once again espouse.

(more…)

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One More G.O.P. Debate

Ted Cruz feat. John Kasich

[Intro: Jeb “I Once Used To Be A Contender In This Race” Bush]
La di da da-a, da-a (fell out of favor)
La da da da di da da-a, la-a
Let me tell you, I came here
From a very far away state
All for a chance to be a star
But they didn’t let me get too far

[Hook: Ted Cruz]
One more G.O.P. debate
Please, baby, one more G.O.P. debate, uh
One more G.O.P. debate
Please, baby, one more G.O.P. debate, uh
One more (Reince Priebus)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)

[Verse 1 intro: Ted Cruz]
Hey D.J. you ain’t got no great hands
And the stage still orange from your spray tan (more…)

Winners from the February 13 GOP Debate

WINNERS:

Denny Hamlin: Won the Sprint Unlimited, run at the same time as the debate, and got his 2016 campaign off to the sort of start Marco Rubio has come to envy desperately

Ben Carson: Aww, he’s so cute when he’s trying to maintain a veneer of calm as he struggles desperately to elucidate any of his specific policy proposals

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz: The lieutenants of Satan continue their inexorable march across the mortal realm, and no earthly force can offer them pause

(more…)

Winners and Losers from the February 6 GOP Debate

WINNERS:

Ted Cruz: Said “I’m sorry” in public without choking on the words, vomiting up a swarm of centipedes, aging 300 years in 20 seconds, and finally disintegrating into a pile of eldritch ash

Chris Christie: Shut Down Marco Rubio in One Perfect Debate Answer

Jeb Bush: At last, at long last, it’s almost all over for him

(more…)

Winners and Losers from—Christ, Another One?!—the January 28 Republican Debate

WINNERS:

Chris Christie: Continuing to be at the debates is a win-win situation: He doesn’t have to spend time in Trenton, and New Jersey doesn’t have to deal with him

Robert George, McCormick Professor of Jurisprudence at Princeton University: Hey, he was on TV for a minute there! Good for him

John Kasich: Despite being unable to shake his chronic case of being John Kasich, clearly getting enough support from somewhere to remain on the mainstage

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Winners from the January 14 Republican Debate

WINNERS:

Ted Cruz: Transcended his “obnoxious Ivy League snob” persona to blossom onstage as more of a “grating Princeton-and-Harvard-educated pedant”

Donald Trump: Just you watch, his poll numbers are gonna climb after all that

John Kasich: Despite still being John Kasich, continued to hold his spot on the main stage

Roberto Firmino: Scored two lovely goals for Liverpool against Arsenal on Wednesday evening, making a far better case for himself than anybody on the GOP stage could muster

(more…)

Winners and Losers of the December 15 Republican Debate

WINNERS:

Ted Cruz: Successfully resisted the compulsion to raise his hand and ask the moderators for permission when he needed to use the bathroom

Carly Fiorina: Kept up the intricate web of self-delusion that lets her believe she was a successful CEO

Jeb Bush: Drew a round of applause for the first time in his campaign

(more…)