
Jeb Bush


One More G.O.P. Debate
Ted Cruz feat. John Kasich
[Intro: Jeb “I Once Used To Be A Contender In This Race” Bush]
La di da da-a, da-a (fell out of favor)
La da da da di da da-a, la-a
Let me tell you, I came here
From a very far away state
All for a chance to be a star
But they didn’t let me get too far
[Hook: Ted Cruz]
One more G.O.P. debate
Please, baby, one more G.O.P. debate, uh
One more G.O.P. debate
Please, baby, one more G.O.P. debate, uh
One more (Reince Priebus)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)
[Verse 1 intro: Ted Cruz]
Hey D.J. you ain’t got no great hands
And the stage still orange from your spray tan (more…)

Winners from the February 13 GOP Debate
WINNERS:
Denny Hamlin: Won the Sprint Unlimited, run at the same time as the debate, and got his 2016 campaign off to the sort of start Marco Rubio has come to envy desperately
Ben Carson: Aww, he’s so cute when he’s trying to maintain a veneer of calm as he struggles desperately to elucidate any of his specific policy proposals
Donald Trump and Ted Cruz: The lieutenants of Satan continue their inexorable march across the mortal realm, and no earthly force can offer them pause

Winners and Losers from the February 6 GOP Debate
WINNERS:
Ted Cruz: Said “I’m sorry” in public without choking on the words, vomiting up a swarm of centipedes, aging 300 years in 20 seconds, and finally disintegrating into a pile of eldritch ash
Chris Christie: Shut Down Marco Rubio in One Perfect Debate Answer
Jeb Bush: At last, at long last, it’s almost all over for him

Winners and Losers from—Christ, Another One?!—the January 28 Republican Debate
WINNERS:
Chris Christie: Continuing to be at the debates is a win-win situation: He doesn’t have to spend time in Trenton, and New Jersey doesn’t have to deal with him
Robert George, McCormick Professor of Jurisprudence at Princeton University: Hey, he was on TV for a minute there! Good for him
John Kasich: Despite being unable to shake his chronic case of being John Kasich, clearly getting enough support from somewhere to remain on the mainstage