WINNERS:
Ted Cruz: Said “I’m sorry” in public without choking on the words, vomiting up a swarm of centipedes, aging 300 years in 20 seconds, and finally disintegrating into a pile of eldritch ash
Chris Christie: Shut Down Marco Rubio in One Perfect Debate Answer
Jeb Bush: At last, at long last, it’s almost all over for him
Hugely popular exponents of American corporatism whose undeniably toxic undercurrents have largely been ignored or left by the wayside because their #product is just too entertaining for the American conscience to boycott: With a presidential debate less than 24 hours before the Super Bowl, Donald Trump and the NFL are repping hard this weekend for this oft-overlooked demographic
Waterboarding detainees in Guantanamo: The classic Bush-era power couple is back in business and back on the lips of Republicans everywhere, baby!
LOSERS:
Marco Rubio: Got totally fucking destroyed by Chris Christie, in one of the most satisfying debate moments it’s ever been my pleasure to watch
Ben Carson: Despite his best efforts to the contrary, was eventually forced to take the stage and participate in the debate
John Kasich: At this point, the most logical explanation for his still being in the race despite his inability to shake the fact that he is John Kasich is that there’s a large contingent of John-Kasich-for-President fetishists keeping him afloat
Peyton Manning: While not related to the debate, will be eaten alive by the Carolina Panthers in the Super Bowl tonight*
Marco Rubio: Sorry for mentioning him again; it’s just that thinking about how Chris Christie reduced him to a smoking, immaculately coiffed pile of rubble makes me so happy
WAIT, ONE MORE WINNER:
Political schadenfreude: hnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggg
* Addendum: Yes, the Broncos ended up winning the game, but Peyton Manning threw for all of two points and set a Super Bowl record for most consecutive failures to convert a third down, so I think I was right about this one
