Winners from the February 13 GOP Debate

WINNERS:

Denny Hamlin: Won the Sprint Unlimited, run at the same time as the debate, and got his 2016 campaign off to the sort of start Marco Rubio has come to envy desperately

Ben Carson: Aww, he’s so cute when he’s trying to maintain a veneer of calm as he struggles desperately to elucidate any of his specific policy proposals

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz: The lieutenants of Satan continue their inexorable march across the mortal realm, and no earthly force can offer them pause

Dr. #Content: I didn’t watch the first half of the debate. For a moment, I was… I was… I was… free! I was free!!! Free! Free! FREE! I broke the cycle! My thoughts were not beholden to analyzing Marco Rubio’s chances! My hands were under no obligation to grasp for the remote and turn to the channel showing John Kasich’s puffy red face! I burst forth from the dungeon, and savored the taste of sweet Liberty on my tongue! I was free! Haha! Free! Ahahahahahah! Free! Free! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahh!!!!

LOSERS:

Dr. #Content: …then the Sprint Unlimited ended and I switched over to the debate and was immediately greeted with John Kasich’s puffy red face filling my screen

John Kasich: see above

Jeb Bush: He’s 6 foot 3. Did you know that? Did you realize how freaking tall he is? No? Exactly. This is why his campaign is failing: he can’t get his message across

Marco Rubio: “If thou beest he; But O how fall’n! how chang’d / From him, who in the happy Realms of Light / Cloth’d with transcendent brightness didst out-shine / Myriads though bright” ← thank you, Milton, for the poignant description of this past week for Marco Rubio

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