Election 2016

Encyclopedia Johnson and the Case of the “Aleppo Moment”

To a visitor, Albuquerque looked like any ordinary state capital. It had a courthouse, a capitol building, a police station, and a sleazy, moodily-lit Italian restaurant where crooked politicians made Faustian bargains with bloodthirsty mafiosi bank.

But there was something out of the ordinary about Albuquerque: from 1995 to 2003, no child or grown-up had had to deal with a tax hike. People wanted to know: how did Albuquerque do it?

The brains behind it all was the governor during that time, Encyclopedia Johnson. Now, Encyclopedia’s real name was Gary. But he was only called that in official state documents. Everyone else knew him as “Encyclopedia” because his brain was filled with more facts than a reference book. He was so smart that they said he should run for President, so he did. And to prove how great and smart he was, they booked him a town hall meeting with Chris Matthews, broadcast live on MSNBC. (more…)

Winners and Losers from Last Night’s Presidential Debate

WINNERS:

Hillary Clinton: Who knew just standing there with an amused look on her face while letting Trump’s increasingly desperate jabs bounce off her without a trace could be so effective?

The 2014 FIFA World Cup: Lester Holt’s moderation was a delightful throwback to the lenient refereeing in that Brazil vs. Colombia game that ended with Juan Zúñiga breaking Neymar’s back

Men repeatedly interrupting women: Many pundits are saying that Trump was at his strongest in the opening half hour, during which he interrupted Clinton 25 times, showing that this evergreen staple of sexism is still alive and kicking even in our progressive modern age

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Hillary Clinton is Going to Totally DESTROY Donald Trump in Tonight’s Debate and I Can’t Wait

Finally. After MONTHS of the media milking overblown controversies while giving Donald Trump and his cronies a free pass, of ridiculous and untrue statements from the Trump campaign, of absurd and sexist scrutiny about Hillary’s health, Tuesday’s debate is her chance to turn the tables on Trump and rip him and his flimsy proposals to shreds. Here’s how:

  • We’ve known all along that there’s only one candidate who understands the issues and will take the presidency seriously, and it sure as heck ain’t the guy who’s been blowing off any sort of debate prep. The whole country will watch Hillary clearly and effortlessly articulate the specifics of her proposals while Trump continues to avoid explaining how he’s going to get his wall built, and they’ll see that Trump’s proposals are just a bunch of thin air.
  • Plus, the moderators will press Trump harder than ever before. After the furor surrounding Matt Lauer’s failure to fact-check Trump during NBC’s commander-in-chief forum and Jimmy Fallon’s dangerously positive interview with Trump, you can be sure that the moderators won’t let any lies or distortions go unpunished.
  • Now that I think about it, though, (more…)

Why Ted Cruz Announced He’s Voting For Trump

Ted Cruz announced today that he will vote for Donald Trump, despite refusing to endorse Trump at the RNC and after Trump had insulted his wife’s appearance and insinuated that his father helped Lee Harvey Oswald assassinate JFK. What’s behind this dramatic, humiliating about-face? Dr. #Content’s agents in the field bring us this report: 

It was the first day of fall, and Ted Cruz was enjoying the brisk air as he walked back home after a long day at the Senate. They’d been in session until almost 2:00 PM, hours that hadn’t been seen since Ted Cruz had shut down the government with his filibustering. Ted Cruz smiled at the memory. Ted Cruz was very proud of what he, Ted Cruz, had done that day: shutting down the government to halt the Obama administration’s overreach in its tracks. A little pep came into Ted Cruz’s step. Ted Cruz began humming one of his favorite tunes, the seminal “Let The Knife Do The Talking” by Hypocrisy. Ted Cruz smiled. Ah, that song brought back such good memories! Could this walk home get any better?

It turned out it could. Ted Cruz stopped in his tracks.

“‘A Discussion of Government Power in the Age of Constitutional Originalism’? And it’s in 15 minutes at American University? The most American university in the D.C. area? Sign me up!” said an excited Ted Cruz. “I can’t believe I hadn’t heard about this before now!”

Behind a tree, two men in frog masks snickered uncontrollably.

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Where’s Ryan Lochte Now?

[FADE IN: Montage of TV news reports, all taking over each other.]

TVs: New developments in the story of Ryan Lochte and the other three American swimmers… Authorities in Rio say Lochte’s story does not match security-camera footage… Two of the swimmers were removed from their flight… Lochte’s flight to the US had already departed… Lochte issued an apology this morning which does not address the discrepancy between his account and the footage captured at the gas station… After arriving back in the US, Lochte’s whereabouts are currently unknown… Reports say he has not returned to his home in North Carolina…

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