Beto O’Rourke

Winners And Losers From The October 2019 Democratic Debate

Apparently there are going to be eight more of these?!

WINNERS: 

The climate crisis: Was not the topic of a single question during the debate, which must mean it’s no longer a pressing issue. We solved it, y’all! High fives all around

Pete Buttigieg: Once again, was arguably the most polished and eloquent person on the debate stage, cleverly distracting people from his recent shift to the right apparently bankrolled by billionaires and lobbyists

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Winners and Losers From The September 13 Democratic Debate

Yet another debate is in the books! Here’s who won and who lost.

WINNERS: 

Beto O’Rourke: Gave some excellent, passionate answers on gun control and racial justice, suggesting that he’s finally building up a tolerance to the sedatives his handlers have been slipping him before every debate

Pete Buttigeg: Cemented his place as the candidate who sounds the best when you listen to what they say, but don’t really listen to what they say

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Winners and Losers From The First 2020 Democratic Debates

The road to 2020 began in earnest this week! Here’s who won and lost from the two-day first debate. 

WINNERS:

Marianne Williamson: Never in my lifetime did I think I’d see a walking embodiment of a trance music voiceover run for president

Elizabeth Warren: Really nice of NBC to give her the rest of the night off after her spectacular opening 30 minutes

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A Look At All The Democratic Candidates For President

The first round of Democratic primary debates are this week, and that means it’s time to take a first look at all the candidates in the race! 

Beto O’Rourke: The upstart Texan’s campaign has been an eye-opening experience, as he travels the country learning the difference between “actually likable” and “likable when compared to Ted Cruz”

Cory Booker: Brilliant, eloquent, and an outspoken voice on issues of racial justice, Booker is the clear frontrunner in the alternate universe where Hillary Clinton picks him as her running mate instead of Tim Kaine in 2016, wins the election, and is forced not to run for reelection due to her ailing health

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Winners And Losers From The 2018 Midterm Elections

WINNERS: 

Matthew McConaughey: In winning the California governor’s race, the Academy Award winner proved once again that his “Gavin Newsom” character is his greatest role ever

newsommcconaughey

Voting-rights reform: Between several ballot measures passing in states like Michigan in Florida; outcry over egregious disenfranchisement in Georgia; blatantly undemocratic candidates like Kris Kobach losing; and the ever-more-obvious disparity between vote share and legislative seats won, this key and increasingly prominent issue is likely to continue being flagrantly disregarded by those in power (more…)

Ted Cruz Liked A Porn Tweet: Possible Explanations

In case you haven’t heard, U.S. Senator Ted Cruz, the junior United States Senator from Texas (in the Senate),  was yesterday found to have “liked” a tweet containing a porn video. It took several hours for him to un-like it, meaning people had plenty of time to preserve the evidence for posterity via screenshots (link very NSFW). 

How could he let this happen? How could Ted Cruz possibly make such a catastrophic, quintessentially Freudian slip and let it go unchecked? I don’t know, but I’ve come up with four possibilities, presented below in order of increasing plausibility.

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