Ted Cruz’s Farmyard Fiasco

“You know, in my family we have a saying,” said Ted Cruz, college sophomore, “and it goes like this: ‘All horse thieves are Democrats, but not all Democrats are horse thieves.’”

“But Ted, you’re—”

“You would do well to notice,” snapped Ted Cruz, “that these are not horses, but goats.”

That was when the windows of the farmhouse lit up.

SIX HOURS EARLIER (more…)

Breaking Down Today’s Story About How Steve Bannon Called Jared Kushner A Cuck

It’s not been the best day for news, what with the G.O.P. invoking the “nuclear option” to do away with filibusters for Supreme Court nominees. But amongst all the doom and gloom, The Daily Beast published an absolutely delightful article that is chock-full of juicy, juicy gossip:  (more…)

Winners and Losers from the G.O.P.’s Healthcare Debacle

Yesterday, the Republicans pulled their much-hyped bill to replace Obamacare, after failing to secure enough votes from within the party to ensure its passage. Here are the winners and losers from one of the most embarrassing failures in the party’s history: 

WINNERS: 

The United States of America: Racked up a thumping 6-0 win over Honduras on Friday night, a vital lifeline for their chances of qualifying for the 2018 FIFA World Cup

Barack Obama: Well, duh (more…)

The G.O.P. Couldn’t Pass Their Healthcare Bill, and Other Utterly Incomprehensible Phenomena

Earlier today, the Republican leadership in the House pulled their proposed healthcare bill from consideration, saying that, despite having a Republican majority in Congress that has long vowed to repeal the Affordable Care Act, their attempt to repeal the Affordable Care Act didn’t have enough votes to pass.

It’s a truly stunning development, one nobody could have expected.

How did the GOP fail to pass this bill? (more…)

BREAKING: MAJOR REVELATIONS ABOUT DONALD TRUMP (SERIOUSLY.)

Folks. FOLKS. You’re gonna want to hear this. It concerns Donald Trump, and it could be big—very big. I’m telling you, you don’t want to miss this. That’s right, folks, you’d best stay tuned. Don’t touch that dial. I mean, that metaphorical dial. TVs these days don’t have dials. In fact, I’m not sure an old TV with dials even works anymore what with the digital signals. Can someone get on that? [shouts backstage] LARRY! Get on the dials thing!

Anyways, like I said, and like I’m saying again, this could be a big deal, which is why I’m saying it again, for emphasis. Like, this is serious business. You know what I mean? Just in case you don’t, I’ll say it again, with even a little more emphasis than last time: this could be a big deal. (more…)

Winners and Losers from the Oscars

The Oscars were last night. Who won and lost them? To find out, you could check this plain, un-embellished list of the winners, if you’re, like, boring or have no desire to read Hot Take About The Oscars That Is Very Similar To The Other Seven Billion Hot Takes About The Oscars I’ve Read Today #7,000,000,001. Otherwise, stick around here for some juicy editorializing. 
(more…)