This Account Of Brazilian Incompetence At The World Cup Is Just Unbelievable

Over the weekend, Brazilian outlet Globo published an account of the staggering incompetence on the part of representatives of the CBF, the Confederation of Brazilian Football, at the 2018 FIFA World Cup. It’s a record of stupidity and disarray so staggering, I had to translate it for an English-speaking audience. This is a fairly quick translation, which is why the cadence and sentence structure still rings of the original Portuguese. All credit goes to the original writers, Alexandre Lozetti, Edgard Maciel de Sá, Martín Fernandez and Tossiro Neto.

While the players and technical commission of the Brazilian national team work to put their extensive planning into practice at the World Cup, and coach Tite demands excellence in every training session and on-field action, the CBF’s  participation in Russia has been a disaster. From voting for the wrong 2026 World Cup host to smashing a glass over a fan’s head, the scandals continue to widen the abyss between the efficiency Brazil’s team has shown on the pitch in recent years and the chaos of its administration.   (more…)

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Who The Hell Is Don Blankenship?

Don Blankenship is one of the Republican candidates hoping to unseat West Virginia’s Democratic Senator Joe Manchin this fall. Yesterday, he released the following campaign ad, which cements him, even in the age of hideous Republicans like Roy Moore and Arthur Jones, as an all-time awful candidate:

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The Very Tall James Comey Is On The Warpath

This has been a remarkable week for former FBI Director James Comey, who is six feet eight inches tall.

Comey, who is the same height as star athlete LeBron James (whose last name is, coincidentally, the same as his (Comey’s) first name), is best known, of course, for his letter to Congress in October 2016 advising that new emails had surfaced of potential importance to the FBI’s Clinton investigation, a revelation that likely tipped the presidential election in Donald Trump’s favor.  (more…)

The Best Sport In The World Returns Tomorrow

Grand Prix motorcycle racing is the absolute best sport on the planet, and it starts its 2018 season tomorrow in Qatar.

I understand that “Grand Prix motorcycle racing is the absolute best sport on the planet” might be a controversial statement, so let me be clear: I have come to realize that Grand Prix motorcycle racing, or MotoGP as it is better known, is as close as a sport can come to being objectively perfect, an intoxicating combination of daredevil athleticism with tight, ferocious competition.

Here, in a few bullet points, is why it’s so great. (more…)

How Has Ted Cruz So Thoroughly Misunderstood The Simpsons?

Yesterday at the Conservative Political Action Conference, U.S. Senator Ted Cruz, the junior United States Senator from Texas (in the Senate) and supposedly avid fan of such institutional works of popular film and television as The Simpsons and The Princess Bride, said, “The Democrats are the party of Lisa Simpson and Republicans are happily the party of Homer, Bart, Maggie and Marge.” How did Ted Cruz so thoroughly misread his favorite show as to come to this interpretation, and more to the point, how did he think this interpretation would reflect badly on the Democrats?

(It should be noted before we begin that I’ve seen maybe 15-20 Simpsons episodes ever.)

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The Complete Priebus Lost

Spanning ten individually illustrated chapters and almost two thousand lines of iambic pentameter, covering everything from the Republican primary to the Anthony Scaramucci debacle and beyond, Priebus Lost is the definitive Paradise Lost parody of the Trump era. Below you will find links to every chapter of this extraordinary poem. Enjoy.

If you wish instead to see the entire poem on one page (with helpful line numbering!) click here.

 

Book I

Book II

Book III

Book IV

Book V

Book VI

Book VII

Book VIII

Book IX

Book X

Priebus Lost: Book 10

EVENTUALLY the execution could
Be stay’d no longer; th’end of Priebus’ time
In the retention of the President,
Long inevitable, drew close at hand,
By telling Hints the imminent event
Confirm’d: most notable th’Appointment made
To a position prominent within the ranks
Of Trump’s devout of the wild Financier,
Rotten-tongu’d Scaramucci, from New York
Of birth, as Trump, and similar in Airs;
This the first Portent, for without consent
From Priebus, though such installations are
The purview of the Chief of Staff, the move
Was made. In swift succession public eyes
Beheld a second Portent, for the Mooch,
Impromptu spirit as his Boss, reach’d out
To those i’th’ mainstream News though Fake, and rag’d
Against th’incriminating Leaks which long
With tales of dissonance amongst the staff
O’th’ White House had defam’d the Trump Regime:

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