Ted Cruz Liked A Porn Tweet: Possible Explanations

In case you haven’t heard, U.S. Senator Ted Cruz, the junior United States Senator from Texas (in the Senate),  was yesterday found to have “liked” a tweet containing a porn video. It took several hours for him to un-like it, meaning people had plenty of time to preserve the evidence for posterity via screenshots (link very NSFW). 

How could he let this happen? How could Ted Cruz possibly make such a catastrophic, quintessentially Freudian slip and let it go unchecked? I don’t know, but I’ve come up with four possibilities, presented below in order of increasing plausibility.

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Extremely Safe Predictions for Season 4 of BoJack Horseman

The highly anticipated fourth season of BoJack Horseman hits Netflix this Friday, the eighth. I was going to make some ambitious predictions about what would happen in it, but come on, we’ll get to find out for ourselves one way or the other in four days—and if you don’t want to wait that long, there’s plenty of supposedly “spoiler-free” reviews out there that all still manage to spoil half the season and probably debunk the crazy theories I was planning to publish. So here’s a bunch of really safe predictions instead. 

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FOLs

[Verse 1: Reince Priebus]
I been
Waiting
For a
Decade
For my
Big break
And then Trump
Jepoardized my dreams through this asshole
I been
Thinking
‘Twas a
Mistake
Endorsing
His charade
Made him the only one that’s in control
I been
Feeling
All I’ve
Given
For my
Vision
Really thought I’d reached my goal
God, I’m
Reeling
Must make an
Admission
Lost my
Ambition
To put R’s
In charge from shore to shore
I been
Drinking
‘Cause I’m
Stricken
Pour out
My feelings
‘Cause our bill
Just died out on the floor
The floor
Just died out on the floor
‘Cause our bill
Just died out on the floor

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Winners and Losers from Steve Bannon’s Ouster

WINNERS: 

Game of Thrones: Was referenced by people close to Bannon today, which just might provide this little-known fantasy series with the popularity boost its fans have long felt it deserves

ClickHole: Can now be officially recognized for publishing the seminal account of the Bannon era

Democrats: Now that the administration’s sole remaining bastion of conservative thought is gone, have regained control of the White House (more…)

7 Years

[Intro: The ghostly voice of Ted Kennedy from beyond the grave]
Healthcare repeal
Soundly defeated
 
[Verse 1: Paul Ryan]
You say you never saw this comin’, well you’re not alone
Shoulda been an easy win but we just got owned
The Dems said we couldn’t do it without a fight
I thought for sure we had enough votes, I guess they were right
I wake up, assessin’ the damages
Checkin’ Washington Post now
Say I pled for votes on my hands and knees
And it’s clear to all I’m fucking toast now
I wake up, all veggies no eggs
I hit the gym, all chest no legs
Yep, then I made myself a smoothie
Yep, don’t think ‘bout how they gonna sue me
The Congress, the White House, The White House back to Congress
I can tell, I can tell, some blood is gonna spill
Wish I was drivin’ far enough to switch the time zone
Felt like a matter of time at the time though
Now, I just want wine though

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Breaking Down That Time Anthony Scaramucci Said Steve Bannon Sucks His Own Cock

In what has already been surpassed as the biggest political story of the last 24 hours, The New Yorker’s Ryan Lizza reported that newly-appointed White House communications director Anthony “the Mooch” Scaramucci called him up and unleashed a profanity-laden tirade in which he vowed to fire and/or kill everyone behind the White House’s continued news leaks. I have quickly been made to regret not writing about this last night, when it was still the number one news item, but frankly, it’s so amazing that I have to write about it. Let’s go through it, line by line.  (more…)