One More G.O.P. Debate

Ted Cruz feat. John Kasich

[Intro: Jeb “I Once Used To Be A Contender In This Race” Bush]
La di da da-a, da-a (fell out of favor)
La da da da di da da-a, la-a
Let me tell you, I came here
From a very far away state
All for a chance to be a star
But they didn’t let me get too far

[Hook: Ted Cruz]
One more G.O.P. debate
Please, baby, one more G.O.P. debate, uh
One more G.O.P. debate
Please, baby, one more G.O.P. debate, uh
One more (Reince Priebus)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)

[Verse 1 intro: Ted Cruz]
Hey D.J. you ain’t got no great hands
And the stage still orange from your spray tan (more…)

Explaining the Ted Cruz affair allegations

Ted Cruz is accused by the National Enquirer of having extramarital affairs with at least five women. How is this possible? How did Ted Cruz get close enough to five women for this to be feasible? Three potential explanations: 

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It was 2:00 PM in Washington, DC. The sun was shining, the nation’s brand-new Fords and Chevys were gleaming on display in their driveways, and all the Senators were back at home now that the session had let out for the day. Well, except for one.

“Where’s Teddy?”

“Well, gee willikers, I don’t really know.”

“Gosh, I hope he’s not hurt or been abducted by the Russkies or something! That would be really bad!”

They were about to run off looking for him when they heard a real calumny rise all around the street. They turned around lickety-split to find Teddy Cruz, pedaling excitedly towards them on the bike his parents had given him once he’d started his paper route.

(more…)

Ru-Bi-Oh!: Season 1, Episode 2

[INT: The Reagan Presidential Library. It is a Monday night debate. A massive day of primaries looms tomorrow. This is our hero’s last chance to turn his fortunes around by securing a decisive win in Florida. But it’s not going well. MARCO RUBIO is bruised and battered (and sweaty, naturally), slowly getting to his feet after another devastating attack. He is down to his last 50 Primary Voters. Opposite him, his opponent stands. It is a tall man, of unusual complexion, haunted eyes, bizarrely disproportionate body parts, and utterly ludicrous hair dyed an impossible color. It is DONALD TRUMP. He still has all 4000 of his Primary Voters. (They’re symbolic, you see. More people than that are actually going to vote for him tomorrow.)

Oh, also, this is all happening atop the Library’s signature exhibit, Reagan’s AIR FORCE ONE, because why not.]

TRUMP: You’re finished, Rubi-boy! One more attack from my Blue-Eyes White People and you’re toast! And even if you could take it down, my Mexican Border Wall still protects my Primary Voters! (more…)

Marco Rubio: The Origin Story

Marco Rubio gets up on the debate stage. He feels a little nervous. But somehow reassured. For some reason, the necklace he got from his grandfather seems to calm him down.

The first answer of the night goes to Donald Trump:

“Look. There’s a reason I’m ahead in all the polls. And I can show you all the polls. I have a whole list. I’m beating them all. I’m especially beating little Marco Rubio, who can’t say anything without breaking a sweat.”

“That’s ENOUGH, Donald!” proclaims Rubio. “I’m tired of your games!”

“Oh, little Rubio is speaking up for himself!” retorts Trump. “This I gotta see!”

“I’ll do a lot more than speak up for myself, Donald!”

The pyramid on Rubio’s necklace begins to glow. Of its own accord it shakes. From somewhere deep inside him, beyond his control, Rubio finds himself crying out:

“RU-BI-OHHHH!”

The light fades. The figure there is almost Marco Rubio, but not quite. For one, he’s a good foot taller, and his hair is slightly rumpled now. A newfound confidence surges through his veins.

“Your bullying has gone on long enough, Trump!” says Rubio, his voice now an octave lower. “Brace yourself, because it’s time… to debate!!!”