The Life of Ronald

THE LIFE OF RONALD Is Complete At Last

Last year, having already written a deeply underappreciated spoof of “No More Parties In L.A.” in which Ted Cruz and John Kasich argue that they could still beat Donald Trump for the Republican nomination if they just had one more G.O.P. debate, I made the in hindsight thoroughly ill-advised decision to parody the rest of Kanye West’s 2016 album, The Life of Pablo, but make it about Republicans. Thus, The Life of Ronald was born. (more…)

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Saint Ronald

[Intro: Donald Trump]
Yeah, 2 AM D.C. time
Tweeting all night and shit
[Verse 1: Donald Trump]
A life spent
Not answering to nobody
And now I’m Prez, that ain’t gon’ be broke
Got friends that give me some money knowin’ I’m in debt
Pay them back in laws, I ain’t gonna say no
People tryna say I’m goin’ crazy on Twitter
Well, the president shouldn’t stay low
And hey, it’s not hard to get a lil’ on the side
Especially when you got family members on payroll
The fake news said it was corrupted dealings
The fake news said he’s way out of control
I just feel like I’m the only one not pretendin’
I’m not out of control, I’m just not in their control
I know I’m the most influential
That TIME cover was just confirmation
This generation’s closest thing to Jackson
They want a bold new leader, I’m in
Couldn’t stand for four more years of libs and their lies
Break in the paradigm I shifted when it felt right
Troll conventional thought, don’t need to question
Hate Clinton and Obama so sometimes I get aggressive
Thank God for Jared Kushner, he down with my mission
Does work with no permission, on our own conditions
Most men with money have been driven to sedition
Donnie has enough though that it went different
Never listen to Washington insiders
That’s why I won the College, I despise ‘em
The ultimate Gemini, bound to thrive
Did you guys know I made it past 305

(more…)

I Love Donald

 [Verse: Pretty much any Republican lawmaker, honestly, but preferably one from the South]
I miss the old Donald, straight talkin’ bold Donald,
New Yorker soul Donald, covered in gold Donald
I hate the new Donald, breaks all the rules Donald,
Senile old fool Donald, just Putin’s ghoul Donald
I miss the brash Donald, drew crowds en masse Donald
I gotta say, back then he warn’t such an ass Donald
See, we all vaunted Donald, the people wanted Donald,
And now we dodge and dodge the charge that we’ve begotten Donald 
I once endorsed Donald, I once endorsed Donald,
I even had the MAGA hat, that’s right I wore Donald,
But if Donald wrote a tweet about Donald,
Said, “I miss the old Donald”, I’d still say, “no, Donald!”
I’m not above Donald, I still love Donald
Though not as much as Donald loves Donald
 
BONUS VERSION: I Love The Party
 
[Verse: Bill Kristol]
I miss the old Party, the Barry Gold Party
Still had a soul Party, loved by the Kochs Party
I hate the new Party, racist and lewd Party
Tea Party crewed Party, the just bad news Party
I miss the proud Party, couldn’t be cowed Party
I gotta say, loved our beliefs and yelled ‘em loud Party
When we began the Party, was a Reaganic Party
And now I look and look around at this depressive-manic Party
It once was one Party, it once was one Party
I even had the lapel pin, back when that was the Party
So disheartened, wrote an op, about the Party,
Called “I Miss The Old Party,” now I got no Party!
Its race is run Party, fork-in-it-done Party
Think it’s time we departed this Party 

FOLs

[Verse 1: Reince Priebus]
I been
Waiting
For a
Decade
For my
Big break
And then Trump
Jepoardized my dreams through this asshole
I been
Thinking
‘Twas a
Mistake
Endorsing
His charade
Made him the only one that’s in control
I been
Feeling
All I’ve
Given
For my
Vision
Really thought I’d reached my goal
God, I’m
Reeling
Must make an
Admission
Lost my
Ambition
To put R’s
In charge from shore to shore
I been
Drinking
‘Cause I’m
Stricken
Pour out
My feelings
‘Cause our bill
Just died out on the floor
The floor
Just died out on the floor
‘Cause our bill
Just died out on the floor

(more…)

7 Years

[Intro: The ghostly voice of Ted Kennedy from beyond the grave]
Healthcare repeal
Soundly defeated
 
[Verse 1: Paul Ryan]
You say you never saw this comin’, well you’re not alone
Shoulda been an easy win but we just got owned
The Dems said we couldn’t do it without a fight
I thought for sure we had enough votes, I guess they were right
I wake up, assessin’ the damages
Checkin’ Washington Post now
Say I pled for votes on my hands and knees
And it’s clear to all I’m fucking toast now
I wake up, all veggies no eggs
I hit the gym, all chest no legs
Yep, then I made myself a smoothie
Yep, don’t think ‘bout how they gonna sue me
The Congress, the White House, The White House back to Congress
I can tell, I can tell, some blood is gonna spill
Wish I was drivin’ far enough to switch the time zone
Felt like a matter of time at the time though
Now, I just want wine though

(more…)

Real Creds

[Verse 1: Donald Trump]
Real creds, who the fuck needs them?
Who the fuck needs them, who the fuck readin’? Real creds
It’s not what we bring in, just sinking our feet in
But who the fuck carin’? Not our fans
Told ‘em I didn’t, they weren’t bothered
You cannot blame me for bein’ so honest
I don’t know the issues, I’m just doin’ my thing
You’d be doin’ your thing too
I’m no deadbeat father, gave my family appointments
Fuck the swamp up by givin’ Jared employment
Donald Junior, made the email point man
Ivanka in charge, she ain’t disappointing
Who needs real creds? You know I was elected
They’re always blamin’ me, but they know they finished second
Damn I don’t know how bills pass, shit I thought I would learn quick 
Why you wait so long to tell me just when I’m worn thin? 
When was the last time I spent so much time workin’?
When was the last time I wasn’t feelin’ homesick?

(more…)

No Feedback

[All vocals by Donald Trump]
[Hook]
Ayy, what happened to our good press?
Y’all wanna hear “You’re fired!”? Want a good rest?
Wake up, losers, wake up

Don’t read what’s in the papers

[Verse 1]
Keep these open phone lines
Just to hear critics? Nah, that’s no dice
Show that these liberals can’t sway us

Show that these liberals can’t play us

[Hook]
Ayy, what happened to our good press?
Y’all wanna hear “You’re fired!”? Want a good rest?
Wake up, losers, wake up

Don’t read what’s in the papers

[Verse 2]
Donnie gave James Comey the old “you’re fired”
Got flooded with complaints, shit’s so damn tired
Shut up, we just doing what the base want us
Shut up, we just doing what the base want us
People waited for me a long time
People waited for me a long time
These libs saying how they feel at the wrong time

Take it up with my votes, they were on time

[Hook]
Ayy, what happened to our good press?
Y’all wanna hear “You’re fired!”? Want a good rest?
Wake up, losers, wake up

Don’t read what’s in the papers

[Verse 3]
We can’t let these people sway us
They’re all Soros-payroll racists
Have they forgotten that
We know they’re rotten, cause we all
D.C. outsiders, ’cause we’re all

D.C. outsiders

[Hook]
Ayy, what happened to our good press?
Y’all wanna hear “You’re fired!”? Want a good rest?
Wake up, losers, wake up

Don’t read what’s in the papers

[Verse 4]
People waited for me a long time
People waited for me a long time
That’s why, that’s why, not gonna even bother
With all these sensitive, no-pussy-grabbing callers
Muslim ban caused panic, airports went all frantic
Lefties mad cause next I’m gonna deport Canucks
Can it, don’t make me get Steve Bannon
This place I’ll run like I do up in Gotham
Don’t complain cause you picked Donald over Rodham
I’m Prez, so it’s not my damn problem
Ridin in this new car, bored, I start tweetin’
Ridin in this new urrrr, bored, I start tweetin’
Shut up, we just doing what the base want us

Shut up, shut up, cause the base warned us

[Outro]
Hold on, hold on, hold on
Wait a second, everybody here, I’m the old white Oprah
You know what that mean? You get a deal! You get a deal!
You get a job! You get a job! Secretary of Education for you! Woo!

 

 

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