Winners and Losers of the December 15 Republican Debate

WINNERS:

Ted Cruz: Successfully resisted the compulsion to raise his hand and ask the moderators for permission when he needed to use the bathroom

Carly Fiorina: Kept up the intricate web of self-delusion that lets her believe she was a successful CEO

Jeb Bush: Drew a round of applause for the first time in his campaign

Ben Carson: His attitude and demeanor continue to be an inspiration to frightened kids who’re being forced by their teacher to deliver a speech in front of the class, and end up staring at the floor and mumbling incoherently

Pronouncing “Nuclear” as “Nookyooler”: Thought dead after the conclusion of George W. Bush’s presidency, this old favorite came roaring back last night with Hugh Hewitt’s help

LOSERS:

Rand Paul: Performed the ultimate heresy by breaking from party orthodoxy and speaking with a modicum of reason for almost two point seven whole seconds

Donald Trump: Called for censoring the Internet. Literally, that happened, I swear to God

Marco Rubio: Wow, I hadn’t realized how freakishly huge his forehead is until now

Chris Christie: Somehow managed to slip even further behind Eisgruber in the “most likeable Chris in New Jersey” running, despite recent events

John Kasich: Was John Kasich, again

Liberal Media Bias: You’d think this perennial player could have thrown in a question or two about gun control or climate change

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