Ted Cruz’s Thanksgiving of Terror

INT: It is Thanksgiving Day in the Cruz Chalet. Ted Cruz, Heidi, their offspring, and their biological forebears are all seated around the traditional Thanksgiving heat-treated solid-protein arrangement. It is time to say grace. They hold hands.

HEIDI: Lord, we are truly thankful for this bounty. And we are thankful for another peaceful and happy year, and all the blessings You have bestowed upon us this y—

[Ted Cruz makes a pained whining sound and an expression of immense suffering washes over his face.]

HEIDI: Oh, goodness, honey, I’m sorry, I forgot—

TED CRUZ: It’s okay. It’s easy to forget. [His facial expression makes clear he will never forget.] Let’s eat. (more…)

10 Bee Movie Remixes Someone Should Make

Ludicrous edits of Bee Movie are the hottest #meme on the Internet right now, which means I am obligated to create #content related to it. Unfortunately, I have neither the familiarity with editing software nor the skill, vision, patience, desire, will, focus, or time required to remix the film myself. So this list of things other people should do with it will have to suffice.  

  1. Bee Movie but every “bee” is replaced with Jerry Seinfeld’s description of a car he’s driving in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee
  2. Bee Movie but every “bee” is replaced with Solid Snake yelling “BEEEEES”screen-shot-2016-12-05-at-9-05-29-pm
  3. Bee Movie but every “bee” is replaced with “bae😍😍😘😘😍😍” because combining a meme with a buzzword and adding some emoji will really click with millennials, the fucks
  4. Bee Movie but every line spoken by Jerry Seinfeld’s character is dubbed over with audio of his Seinfeld costars, culled from performances throughout their careers and painstakingly spliced together to match the film’s script
  5. Bee Movie but every “bee” is replaced by the creator musing about the soullessness of hitching on to a fleeting fad for no better purpose than a temporary burst of attention
  6. Bee Movie edited in some fashion but the creator got disillusioned halfway through making the video and so the edits slowly decrease in number, so that the movie becomes increasingly normal as it goes on
  7. Bee Movie but, like, the word “bee” is replaced by some other word or something, I dunno
  8. Just Bee Movie unaltered, which is, like, a cool meta-commentary or something? Who cares at this point
  9. Bee Movie without Bee Movie so it’s just like a black screen I guess
  10. Titanic (1943 film)

How Your Favorite Politicians Are Spending Thanksgiving

Gary Johnson: Thanks to his attempt to purchase a turkey going horribly wrong, is spending today receiving a lovely tour of Istanbul from a friendly taxi driver

Hillary Clinton: Giving thanks for the free time and relaxation she now has thanks to her election loss, but not really meaning it

Jill Stein: Making everyone really confused about whether they should be angry or grateful for her (more…)

Winners and Losers from the 2016 Presidential Election

In times like these, it’s hard to know what can make anything better or easier. But as the old saying goes, “laughter is the best medicine”, and given that this is a humor site, finding some comedy in this whole sordid mess seems like a good place to start. Not to mention that it’ll be good practice for when the Trump administration has its way with American healthcare and the old saying becomes literally true. 

WINNERS:

Taking a deep breath, staring blankly into the middle distance, and muttering “Fuuuuuck”: Became America’s new favorite pastime overnight (more…)