WINNERS
Mike Pence: Did remarkably well, considering his upbringing as a starched shirt brought to life in an unholy laboratory experiment
Seeing your opponent as human rather than openly hating their guts: Kaine and Pence displayed clear, long-held respect for one another, demonstrating that it is possible to engage with someone with a differing political agenda without pulling a knife on them and calling them an elaborate portmanteau of five different racial and sexual slurs
[FADE IN: Montage of TV news reports, all taking over each other.]
TVs: New developments in the story of Ryan Lochte and the other three American swimmers… Authorities in Rio say Lochte’s story does not match security-camera footage… Two of the swimmers were removed from their flight… Lochte’s flight to the US had already departed… Lochte issued an apology this morning which does not address the discrepancy between his account and the footage captured at the gas station… After arriving back in the US, Lochte’s whereabouts are currently unknown… Reports say he has not returned to his home in North Carolina…
Jeff Sessions: Still boasting a full head of real, un-dyed hair at age 69, he would add much-needed diversity to the ticket
Chris Christie: Naming him as VP would provide poignant closure to their story, as Christie initially loathed Trump before the two bonded over their shared history of ruining New Jersey
Newt Gingrich: Once said that women would be ill-suited for combat on the grounds that “females have biological problems staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections”, which should make it easy for he and Trump to create a unified indirectly-but-disparagingly-referencing-female-menstruation message
The Desk of Dr. #Content 