Republicans

I Love Donald

 [Verse: Pretty much any Republican lawmaker, honestly, but preferably one from the South]
I miss the old Donald, straight talkin’ bold Donald,
New Yorker soul Donald, covered in gold Donald
I hate the new Donald, breaks all the rules Donald,
Senile old fool Donald, just Putin’s ghoul Donald
I miss the brash Donald, drew crowds en masse Donald
I gotta say, back then he warn’t such an ass Donald
See, we all vaunted Donald, the people wanted Donald,
And now we dodge and dodge the charge that we’ve begotten Donald 
I once endorsed Donald, I once endorsed Donald,
I even had the MAGA hat, that’s right I wore Donald,
But if Donald wrote a tweet about Donald,
Said, “I miss the old Donald”, I’d still say, “no, Donald!”
I’m not above Donald, I still love Donald
Though not as much as Donald loves Donald
 
BONUS VERSION: I Love The Party
 
[Verse: Bill Kristol]
I miss the old Party, the Barry Gold Party
Still had a soul Party, loved by the Kochs Party
I hate the new Party, racist and lewd Party
Tea Party crewed Party, the just bad news Party
I miss the proud Party, couldn’t be cowed Party
I gotta say, loved our beliefs and yelled ‘em loud Party
When we began the Party, was a Reaganic Party
And now I look and look around at this depressive-manic Party
It once was one Party, it once was one Party
I even had the lapel pin, back when that was the Party
So disheartened, wrote an op, about the Party,
Called “I Miss The Old Party,” now I got no Party!
Its race is run Party, fork-in-it-done Party
Think it’s time we departed this Party 
Advertisements

A Hot Take™ On The Democrats’ “Better Deal”

Today, after much flailing about and increased frustration from the left, the Democratic Party finally unveiled a proper, coherent platform on which to run against the Republican majority in 2018. (more…)

Winners and Losers from the G.O.P.’s Healthcare Debacle

Yesterday, the Republicans pulled their much-hyped bill to replace Obamacare, after failing to secure enough votes from within the party to ensure its passage. Here are the winners and losers from one of the most embarrassing failures in the party’s history: 

WINNERS: 

The United States of America: Racked up a thumping 6-0 win over Honduras on Friday night, a vital lifeline for their chances of qualifying for the 2018 FIFA World Cup

Barack Obama: Well, duh (more…)

The G.O.P. Couldn’t Pass Their Healthcare Bill, and Other Utterly Incomprehensible Phenomena

Earlier today, the Republican leadership in the House pulled their proposed healthcare bill from consideration, saying that, despite having a Republican majority in Congress that has long vowed to repeal the Affordable Care Act, their attempt to repeal the Affordable Care Act didn’t have enough votes to pass.

It’s a truly stunning development, one nobody could have expected.

How did the GOP fail to pass this bill? (more…)

Lose (“Wolves” Parody)

[Hook: Reince Priebus]
He’s down, she’s up
Losin’, polls found
There must be, some way up
Don’t don’t lie, polls polls lie
Down and she’s up
Polls found, losin’
There must be, some way up
Polls can’t lie, polls don’t lie

[Verse 1: Reince Priebus]
Lost and, found out
Turned out, how we feared
They all, found out
What Trump’s about, what Trump’s about
If Ronald knew now
How we’d turned out, he’d go wild (more…)

Winners and Losers from the Vice-Presidential Debate

WINNERS

Mike Pence: Did remarkably well, considering his upbringing as a starched shirt brought to life in an unholy laboratory experiment

Seeing your opponent as human rather than openly hating their guts: Kaine and Pence displayed clear, long-held respect for one another, demonstrating that it is possible to engage with someone with a differing political agenda without pulling a knife on them and calling them an elaborate portmanteau of five different racial and sexual slurs

(more…)