Politics

Why Was Trump Working With Democrats Last Week?

Last week, President (ugh) Donald Trump showed an uncharacteristic willingness to listen to the Democratic Party. First, he struck a deal with Congressional Democrats to increase the debt limit through mid-December, forcing an unpleasant showdown for Republicans. Then, reports emerged that he had struck a deal with Democratic leaders Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi to enshrine DACA protections into law in exchange for increasing border security in a manner that would not include construction of a wall. And finally, the Trump Administation apparently told European officials that they were reversing their earlier move to leave the Paris climate agreement.

What’s behind this sudden cooperation with the left? Here are my top theories. (more…)

Ted Cruz Liked A Porn Tweet: Possible Explanations

In case you haven’t heard, U.S. Senator Ted Cruz, the junior United States Senator from Texas (in the Senate), was yesterday found to have “liked” a tweet containing a porn video. It took several hours for him to un-like it, meaning people had plenty of time to preserve the evidence for posterity via screenshots (link very NSFW).

How could he let this happen? How could Ted Cruz possibly make such a catastrophic, quintessentially Freudian slip and let it go unchecked? I don’t know, but I’ve come up with four possibilities, presented below in order of increasing plausibility.

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FOLs

[Verse 1: Reince Priebus]

I been

Waiting

For a

Decade

For my

Big break

And then Trump

Jepoardized my dreams through this asshole

I been

Thinking

‘Twas a

Mistake

Endorsing

His charade

Made him the only one that’s in control

I been

Feeling

All I’ve

Given

For my

Vision

Really thought I’d reached my goal

God, I’m

Reeling

Must make an

Admission

Lost my

Ambition

To put R’s

In charge from shore to shore

I been

Drinking

‘Cause I’m

Stricken

Pour out

My feelings

‘Cause our bill

Just died out on the floor

The floor

Just died out on the floor

‘Cause our bill

Just died out on the floor

(more…)

Winners and Losers from Steve Bannon’s Ouster

WINNERS:

Game of Thrones: Was referenced by people close to Bannon today, which just might provide this little-known fantasy series with the popularity boost its fans have long felt it deserves

ClickHole: Can now be officially recognized for publishing the seminal account of the Bannon era

Democrats: Now that the administration’s sole remaining bastion of conservative thought is gone, have regained control of the White House (more…)

7 Years

[Intro: The ghostly voice of Ted Kennedy from beyond the grave]

Healthcare repeal

Soundly defeated

[Verse 1: Paul Ryan]

You say you never saw this comin’, well you’re not alone

Shoulda been an easy win but we just got owned

The Dems said we couldn’t do it without a fight

I thought for sure we had enough votes, I guess they were right

I wake up, assessin’ the damages

Checkin’ Washington Post now

Say I pled for votes on my hands and knees

And it’s clear to all I’m fucking toast now

I wake up, all veggies no eggs

I hit the gym, all chest no legs

Yep, then I made myself a smoothie

Yep, don’t think ‘bout how they gonna sue me

The Congress, the White House, The White House back to Congress

I can tell, I can tell, some blood is gonna spill

Wish I was drivin’ far enough to switch the time zone

Felt like a matter of time at the time though

Now, I just want wine though

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