Where’s Ryan Lochte Now?

[FADE IN: Montage of TV news reports, all taking over each other.]

TVs: New developments in the story of Ryan Lochte and the other three American swimmers… Authorities in Rio say Lochte’s story does not match security-camera footage… Two of the swimmers were removed from their flight… Lochte’s flight to the US had already departed… Lochte issued an apology this morning which does not address the discrepancy between his account and the footage captured at the gas station… After arriving back in the US, Lochte’s whereabouts are currently unknown… Reports say he has not returned to his home in North Carolina…

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Winners and Losers from the 2016 Republican National Convention

WINNERS:

Diversity: Major victories for the Republican Party on this point, as we saw numerous male speakers who parted their hair on the RIGHT, rather than the left

Ted Cruz: Took an admirable, widely publicized stand for his principles, distracting everyone from how bizarre and unsettling those principles are

George W. Bush, Ronald Reagan, Richard Nixon: At this point, all are off the hook for the demise of the party of Lincoln, Teddy, and Ike

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Predicting Hillary Clinton’s Vice-Presidential Pick

Donald Trump: He probably still owes the Clintons after they came to his wedding, and calling in that favor right now is the logical next step in this bonkers election year

Tim Kaine: Seems like an all-round good guy with a particuarly good relationship with the Black and Hispanic communities, which will be valuable in the current climate–but he sings tenor in his church choir, and having sung in choirs for more than a decade I know firsthand that you should never, EVER trust a tenor

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Predicting Donald Trump’s Vice-Presidential Pick

Jeff Sessions: Still boasting a full head of real, un-dyed hair at age 69, he would add much-needed diversity to the ticket

Chris Christie: Naming him as VP would provide poignant closure to their story, as Christie initially loathed Trump before the two bonded over their shared history of ruining New Jersey

Newt Gingrich: Once said that women would be ill-suited for combat on the grounds that “females have biological problems staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections”, which should make it easy for he and Trump to create a unified indirectly-but-disparagingly-referencing-female-menstruation message

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Winners and Losers from Brexit

WINNERS:

Wales or Northern Ireland, but not both: Seeing as only one can advance from today’s round of 16 matchup in the Euros

Old people who resent the fact that they’ll be dead soon and channel this into a compulsion to torment the younger generation for having the audacity to be around longer: These are the real winners of Thursday’s vote

Ted Cruz: Admittedly, I have no proof of this, but the entire situation is so unpleasant that it stands to reason that Ted Cruz is benefiting somehow

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