Marco Rubio

Ru-Bi-Oh!: Season 1, Episode 2

[INT: The Reagan Presidential Library. It is a Monday night debate. A massive day of primaries looms tomorrow. This is our hero’s last chance to turn his fortunes around by securing a decisive win in Florida. But it’s not going well. MARCO RUBIO is bruised and battered (and sweaty, naturally), slowly getting to his feet after another devastating attack. He is down to his last 50 Primary Voters. Opposite him, his opponent stands. It is a tall man, of unusual complexion, haunted eyes, bizarrely disproportionate body parts, and utterly ludicrous hair dyed an impossible color. It is DONALD TRUMP. He still has all 4000 of his Primary Voters. (They’re symbolic, you see. More people than that are actually going to vote for him tomorrow.)

Oh, also, this is all happening atop the Library’s signature exhibit, Reagan’s AIR FORCE ONE, because why not.]

TRUMP: You’re finished, Rubi-boy! One more attack from my Blue-Eyes White People and you’re toast! And even if you could take it down, my Mexican Border Wall still protects my Primary Voters! (more…)

Winners and Losers from the March 10 GOP Debate

WINNERS…NO. NO. I’M DONE. I’M NOT DOING THIS OH WHAT THE HELL IT GETS ME CLICKS:

Psychopaths: In abandoning last debate’s mudslinging in favor of last night’s display of relative levelheadedness and charm, the candidates showed that they’re in tune with this niche demographic and want to make them a fundamental part of this election cycle

Rammstein: Each passing day in this race makes their song “Amerika” more relevant than ever

The environment: Spoken of in favorable terms by more than one candidate last night, a rare victory for this collection of natural systems that allows us to survive and prosper and provides us with endless opportunity for enjoyment and inspiration

(more…)

Winners and Losers from the March 3 GOP Debacl—Er, Debate

WINNERS:

Ted Cruz: I found myself rooting for him! That’s right—when the collective American political consciousness is visibly and rapidly decomposing into a gray, furiously racist sentient sludge, up becomes down, ignorance becomes strength, and the impossible becomes the commonplace (more…)

Could It Be? Could It Be?!?! It IS!!! It’s… Another Episode of Winners and Losers (This Time from the February 25 GOP Debate)

WINNERS:

Men incapable of convincingly masking the ravages of male-pattern baldness: Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, and now Marco Rubio were repping hard, hard, hard for this underserved constituency

Ben Carson: Somehow the most charming and likable of the remaining candidates

Wolf Blitzer: Made the most of CNN’s tenure offer, putting in the debate-moderator equivalent of a professor showing up to lecture an hour late, unaware that he is fully nude

Ted Cruz: Honestly, it’s kind of adorable how he still thinks a man who considers Chief Justice John Roberts a liberal traitor has enough crossover appeal to win a general election

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Winners from the February 13 GOP Debate

WINNERS:

Denny Hamlin: Won the Sprint Unlimited, run at the same time as the debate, and got his 2016 campaign off to the sort of start Marco Rubio has come to envy desperately

Ben Carson: Aww, he’s so cute when he’s trying to maintain a veneer of calm as he struggles desperately to elucidate any of his specific policy proposals

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz: The lieutenants of Satan continue their inexorable march across the mortal realm, and no earthly force can offer them pause

(more…)