Reince Priebus

Ted Cruz Reconnects With the People of Texas

Austin, Texas. The fourth-largest city in Texas, and the fastest-growing, a fact that always created an uneasy tickle in the lower part of Ted Cruz’s abdomen. Like now. Ted Cruz was thinking about it (the fourth-largest city in Texas thing, and also the fastest-growing bit) and feeling that unpleasant pit below his (Ted Cruz’s) stomach. But this was no time for reflection. Ted Cruz had work to do.

Ted Cruz took a deep breath. This was not going to be fun. But it was part of his (Ted Cruz’s) duties as a Senator from Texas, the largest state by area in the contiguous United States (among other distinctions too numerous to mention here). His (Ted Cruz’s) advisors had recommended a trip here, to a part of Texas he (Ted Cruz) normally didn’t visit, in order to get a feel for his (Ted Cruz’s) constituents and their mentality ahead of his (Ted Cruz’s) reelection campaign (for the United States Senate) in 2018. (more…)

Lose (“Wolves” Parody)

[Hook: Reince Priebus]
He’s down, she’s up
Losin’, polls found
There must be, some way up
Don’t don’t lie, polls polls lie
Down and she’s up
Polls found, losin’
There must be, some way up
Polls can’t lie, polls don’t lie

[Verse 1: Reince Priebus]
Lost and, found out
Turned out, how we feared
They all, found out
What Trump’s about, what Trump’s about
If Ronald knew now
How we’d turned out, he’d go wild (more…)

Famous (GOP Primaries Mix)

[Intro: Sharon Day (Republican National Committee Co-Chairman) + Paul Ryan]
Man I can understand how it might be
Kinda hard keep faith in our party
I don’t blame you much for thinking we’ll get beat
I just wanted to let you know
Whoo, whoo
Reince told me let the beat rock

[Verse 1: Paul Ryan + (Reince Priebus)]

For all my House floor cronies who’re so distressed

About the Don topping polls, be at rest

Why? It’s just that he’s famous (that’s it)

It’s just that he’s famous

For all the ones who’ve called this race a mess

Take it straight from the Speaker, there’s no need to stress

Why? He up ’cause he famous (that’s it)

The others still nameless (talk that talk, Paul)

Other candidates gonna bring their best

And soon one of them will defeat that pest

Because he’s just famous (that’s it)

Yeah the man’s just famous

(more…)

Staaaaaaaaaay on Messsssaaaaaaaaage Intermission

[Phone call: Reince Priebus]

Donnie, Donnie, what’s good?

It’s your boy Reince P, what’s going on?

Just checking in on you

Wanna make sure you know what’s up

We have a memo here

I’m sure your campaign’s already told you, so you already know

But just in case, here’s the thing:

I know I’ve already said this several times, but

This has to stop

Yeah, we know you’re our candidate

But you can’t keep just doing you

And think that wave of support will be enough

When the majority of voters just think you’re loopy

You can’t just keep shouting about Muslims

And hollering about this wall

I appreciate the… the energy

And I know this movement is something big

You’re riding the crest of a wave

But you know it can’t last, uhhh

(more…)

Winners and Losers from the Second Presidential Debate

Last night there was another presidential debate. This made a lot of people very angry and was widely regarded as a bad move. Still, some of the participants came off better than others:

WINNERS:

Hillary Clinton: I mean, what could she have done that would have made her lose the debate after the last few days Trump has had? Some possibilities:

Ripped off her mask and revealed that she was in fact ISIS commander Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi
Invited Bill to the stage to join her in sacrificing one of the Trump children to Satan (though she might have been OK if it was Tiffany)
Smiled less or not done her hair quite so immaculately

(more…)