Donald Trump

Breaking Down That Time Anthony Scaramucci Said Steve Bannon Sucks His Own Cock

In what has already been surpassed as the biggest political story of the last 24 hours, The New Yorker’s Ryan Lizza reported that newly-appointed White House communications director Anthony “the Mooch” Scaramucci called him up and unleashed a profanity-laden tirade in which he vowed to fire and/or kill everyone behind the White House’s continued news leaks. I have quickly been made to regret not writing about this last night, when it was still the number one news item, but frankly, it’s so amazing that I have to write about it. Let’s go through it, line by line.  (more…)

Winners and Losers from Sean Spicer’s Resignation

 

Sean Spicer resigned as White House press secretary literally, like, a couple hours ago. Who wins and who loses from this turn of events? Let’s find out. 

WINNERS: 

Sean Spicer: I mean, duh

Donald Trump: The appointment of Anthony Scaramucci as White House communications director reinforced that he is a Big, Independent President Man totally above the objections and whims of his underlings, with the exception of course of his son-in-law (more…)

Real Creds
[Verse 1: Donald Trump]
Real creds, who the fuck needs them?
Who the fuck needs them, who the fuck readin’? Real creds
It’s not what we bring in, just sinking our feet in
But who the fuck carin’? Not our fans
Told ‘em I didn’t, they weren’t bothered
You cannot blame me for bein’ so honest
I don’t know the issues, I’m just doin’ my thing
You’d be doin’ your thing too
I’m no deadbeat father, gave my family appointments
Fuck the swamp up by givin’ Jared employment
Donald Junior, made the email point man
Ivanka in charge, she ain’t disappointing
Who needs real creds? You know I was elected
They’re always blamin’ me, but they know they finished second
Damn I don’t know how bills pass, shit I thought I would learn quick 
Why you wait so long to tell me just when I’m worn thin? 
When was the last time I spent so much time workin’?
When was the last time I wasn’t feelin’ homesick?

(more…)

Ted Cruz Goes To His 25th Reunion

DAY ONE: FRESHMAN YEAR

Ted Cruz, sweating, stood at the threshold of the registration tent, already unconsciously fidgeting with the wristband that had just been strapped around his arm. Early June sunlight flooded down, making Ted Cruz squint, but only in his left eye: his right was conveniently in the shade of the aforementioned tent, as well as a nearby tree. Indeed, the majority of Ted Cruz’s face was shrouded in darkness—at least, if you looked at Ted Cruz from a third-person perspective, which Ted Cruz could not. Ted Cruz was unaware of how the shadows wreathed his face, of the symbolism of the image. The only thoughts in Ted Cruz’s mind were thus:

– “Why did I come back?”

– “I wonder if wearing a suit to this was a bad idea.”

– “I am hot.” (more…)

Winners And Losers From The UK Election And The Comey Hearings

Thursday was an eventful day, with major developments on both sides of the Atlantic. Insert joke about the venerable magazine here. 

WINNERS:

Having a coherent, clear, ambitious, and inspiring progressive agenda: Now proven to be a winning hand, this strategy has paved the way to being completely ignored by the Democratic establishment in 2020 (more…)