WINNERS:
Diversity: Major victories for the Republican Party on this point, as we saw numerous male speakers who parted their hair on the RIGHT, rather than the left
Ted Cruz: Took an admirable, widely publicized stand for his principles, distracting everyone from how bizarre and unsettling those principles are
George W. Bush, Ronald Reagan, Richard Nixon: At this point, all are off the hook for the demise of the party of Lincoln, Teddy, and Ike
WINNERS:
Wales or Northern Ireland, but not both: Seeing as only one can advance from today’s round of 16 matchup in the Euros
Old people who resent the fact that they’ll be dead soon and channel this into a compulsion to torment the younger generation for having the audacity to be around longer: These are the real winners of Thursday’s vote
Ted Cruz: Admittedly, I have no proof of this, but the entire situation is so unpleasant that it stands to reason that Ted Cruz is benefiting somehow
Ted Cruz feat. John Kasich
[Intro: Jeb “I Once Used To Be A Contender In This Race” Bush]
La di da da-a, da-a (fell out of favor)
La da da da di da da-a, la-a
Let me tell you, I came here
From a very far away state
All for a chance to be a star
But they didn’t let me get too far
[Hook: Ted Cruz]
One more G.O.P. debate
Please, baby, one more G.O.P. debate, uh
One more G.O.P. debate
Please, baby, one more G.O.P. debate, uh
One more (Reince Priebus)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)
[Verse 1 intro: Ted Cruz]
Hey D.J. you ain’t got no great hands
And the stage still orange from your spray tan (more…)
Ted Cruz is accused by the National Enquirer of having extramarital affairs with at least five women. How is this possible? How did Ted Cruz get close enough to five women for this to be feasible? Three potential explanations:
**********************************************
It was 2:00 PM in Washington, DC. The sun was shining, the nation’s brand-new Fords and Chevys were gleaming on display in their driveways, and all the Senators were back at home now that the session had let out for the day. Well, except for one.
“Where’s Teddy?”
“Well, gee willikers, I don’t really know.”
“Gosh, I hope he’s not hurt or been abducted by the Russkies or something! That would be really bad!”
They were about to run off looking for him when they heard a real calumny rise all around the street. They turned around lickety-split to find Teddy Cruz, pedaling excitedly towards them on the bike his parents had given him once he’d started his paper route.
WINNERS…NO. NO. I’M DONE. I’M NOT DOING THIS OH WHAT THE HELL IT GETS ME CLICKS:
Psychopaths: In abandoning last debate’s mudslinging in favor of last night’s display of relative levelheadedness and charm, the candidates showed that they’re in tune with this niche demographic and want to make them a fundamental part of this election cycle
Rammstein: Each passing day in this race makes their song “Amerika” more relevant than ever
The environment: Spoken of in favorable terms by more than one candidate last night, a rare victory for this collection of natural systems that allows us to survive and prosper and provides us with endless opportunity for enjoyment and inspiration
The Desk of Dr. #Content 