Winners and Losers

Could It Be? Could It Be?!?! It IS!!! It’s… Another Episode of Winners and Losers (This Time from the February 25 GOP Debate)

WINNERS:

Men incapable of convincingly masking the ravages of male-pattern baldness: Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, and now Marco Rubio were repping hard, hard, hard for this underserved constituency

Ben Carson: Somehow the most charming and likable of the remaining candidates

Wolf Blitzer: Made the most of CNN’s tenure offer, putting in the debate-moderator equivalent of a professor showing up to lecture an hour late, unaware that he is fully nude

Ted Cruz: Honestly, it’s kind of adorable how he still thinks a man who considers Chief Justice John Roberts a liberal traitor has enough crossover appeal to win a general election

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Winners from the February 13 GOP Debate

WINNERS:

Denny Hamlin: Won the Sprint Unlimited, run at the same time as the debate, and got his 2016 campaign off to the sort of start Marco Rubio has come to envy desperately

Ben Carson: Aww, he’s so cute when he’s trying to maintain a veneer of calm as he struggles desperately to elucidate any of his specific policy proposals

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz: The lieutenants of Satan continue their inexorable march across the mortal realm, and no earthly force can offer them pause

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Winners and Losers from the February 6 GOP Debate

WINNERS:

Ted Cruz: Said “I’m sorry” in public without choking on the words, vomiting up a swarm of centipedes, aging 300 years in 20 seconds, and finally disintegrating into a pile of eldritch ash

Chris Christie: Shut Down Marco Rubio in One Perfect Debate Answer

Jeb Bush: At last, at long last, it’s almost all over for him

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Winners and Losers from—Christ, Another One?!—the January 28 Republican Debate

WINNERS:

Chris Christie: Continuing to be at the debates is a win-win situation: He doesn’t have to spend time in Trenton, and New Jersey doesn’t have to deal with him

Robert George, McCormick Professor of Jurisprudence at Princeton University: Hey, he was on TV for a minute there! Good for him

John Kasich: Despite being unable to shake his chronic case of being John Kasich, clearly getting enough support from somewhere to remain on the mainstage

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Winners from the January 14 Republican Debate

WINNERS:

Ted Cruz: Transcended his “obnoxious Ivy League snob” persona to blossom onstage as more of a “grating Princeton-and-Harvard-educated pedant”

Donald Trump: Just you watch, his poll numbers are gonna climb after all that

John Kasich: Despite still being John Kasich, continued to hold his spot on the main stage

Roberto Firmino: Scored two lovely goals for Liverpool against Arsenal on Wednesday evening, making a far better case for himself than anybody on the GOP stage could muster

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