WINNERS:
Diversity: Major victories for the Republican Party on this point, as we saw numerous male speakers who parted their hair on the RIGHT, rather than the left
Ted Cruz: Took an admirable, widely publicized stand for his principles, distracting everyone from how bizarre and unsettling those principles are
George W. Bush, Ronald Reagan, Richard Nixon: At this point, all are off the hook for the demise of the party of Lincoln, Teddy, and Ike
Donald Trump: He probably still owes the Clintons after they came to his wedding, and calling in that favor right now is the logical next step in this bonkers election year
Tim Kaine: Seems like an all-round good guy with a particuarly good relationship with the Black and Hispanic communities, which will be valuable in the current climate–but he sings tenor in his church choir, and having sung in choirs for more than a decade I know firsthand that you should never, EVER trust a tenor
Jeff Sessions: Still boasting a full head of real, un-dyed hair at age 69, he would add much-needed diversity to the ticket
Chris Christie: Naming him as VP would provide poignant closure to their story, as Christie initially loathed Trump before the two bonded over their shared history of ruining New Jersey
Newt Gingrich: Once said that women would be ill-suited for combat on the grounds that “females have biological problems staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections”, which should make it easy for he and Trump to create a unified indirectly-but-disparagingly-referencing-female-menstruation message
[MARCO RUBIO sits down and takes off his necklace, a wistful smile on his face.]
RUBIO: Well, we had some good times, didn’t we.
[A ghostly image appears from the necklace: the SPIRIT OF THE MILLENNIAL PUZZLE.]
SPIRIT: We sure did, Rubi.
WINNERS…NO. NO. I’M DONE. I’M NOT DOING THIS OH WHAT THE HELL IT GETS ME CLICKS:
Psychopaths: In abandoning last debate’s mudslinging in favor of last night’s display of relative levelheadedness and charm, the candidates showed that they’re in tune with this niche demographic and want to make them a fundamental part of this election cycle
Rammstein: Each passing day in this race makes their song “Amerika” more relevant than ever
The environment: Spoken of in favorable terms by more than one candidate last night, a rare victory for this collection of natural systems that allows us to survive and prosper and provides us with endless opportunity for enjoyment and inspiration
The Desk of Dr. #Content 