Chris Christie

Predicting Donald Trump’s Vice-Presidential Pick

Jeff Sessions: Still boasting a full head of real, un-dyed hair at age 69, he would add much-needed diversity to the ticket

Chris Christie: Naming him as VP would provide poignant closure to their story, as Christie initially loathed Trump before the two bonded over their shared history of ruining New Jersey

Newt Gingrich: Once said that women would be ill-suited for combat on the grounds that “females have biological problems staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections”, which should make it easy for he and Trump to create a unified indirectly-but-disparagingly-referencing-female-menstruation message

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Winners and Losers from the February 6 GOP Debate

WINNERS:

Ted Cruz: Said “I’m sorry” in public without choking on the words, vomiting up a swarm of centipedes, aging 300 years in 20 seconds, and finally disintegrating into a pile of eldritch ash

Chris Christie: Shut Down Marco Rubio in One Perfect Debate Answer

Jeb Bush: At last, at long last, it’s almost all over for him

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Winners and Losers from—Christ, Another One?!—the January 28 Republican Debate

WINNERS:

Chris Christie: Continuing to be at the debates is a win-win situation: He doesn’t have to spend time in Trenton, and New Jersey doesn’t have to deal with him

Robert George, McCormick Professor of Jurisprudence at Princeton University: Hey, he was on TV for a minute there! Good for him

John Kasich: Despite being unable to shake his chronic case of being John Kasich, clearly getting enough support from somewhere to remain on the mainstage

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Winners from the January 14 Republican Debate

WINNERS:

Ted Cruz: Transcended his “obnoxious Ivy League snob” persona to blossom onstage as more of a “grating Princeton-and-Harvard-educated pedant”

Donald Trump: Just you watch, his poll numbers are gonna climb after all that

John Kasich: Despite still being John Kasich, continued to hold his spot on the main stage

Roberto Firmino: Scored two lovely goals for Liverpool against Arsenal on Wednesday evening, making a far better case for himself than anybody on the GOP stage could muster

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Winners and Losers of the December 15 Republican Debate

WINNERS:

Ted Cruz: Successfully resisted the compulsion to raise his hand and ask the moderators for permission when he needed to use the bathroom

Carly Fiorina: Kept up the intricate web of self-delusion that lets her believe she was a successful CEO

Jeb Bush: Drew a round of applause for the first time in his campaign

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