WINNERS:
The Democratic Party: Fundamentally changed their stance on a substantial issue in the space of about three weeks at the behest of their base, which is frankly one of the most astonishing things I’ve ever seen
Women: Now only have to contend with the president, his administration, the political party that holds power in the majority of federal and state legislatures, a huge number of industries and fields, and the vast and all-encompassing socionormative bedrock of human society continuing to condone sexual misconduct (more…)
WINNERS:
Chris Christie: Just going to leave the governor’s mansion a free man, huh
Virginia: Its people elected America’s first transgender state legislator, a Democratic Socialist candidate, and also Ralph Northam, I guess (more…)
WINNERS:
The U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team: Given the current geopolitical climate, avoid an uncomfortable trip to Russia next summer
Panama: Will replace the U.S. at the World Cup, making the fact that the U.S. beat them 4-0 just this past Friday that much funnier
Landon Donovan: Was smart to retire when he did
Iceland, Portugal, Serbia, Belgium, Costa Rica, Panama, Uruguay: Just reminding y’all that these nations, whose combined population is about a sixth of the United States’, all managed to qualify for the World Cup by beating either the same or harder opposition than the U.S. faced
Donald J. Trump: Proven right, as the U.S. clearly demonstrated that it was tired of winning
LOSERS:
The United States Soccer Federation: In fairness, could not possibly have foreseen that their desperation-fueled appointment of a crappy, uninspiring coach might come back to bite them
Serious assessments of the U.S.’s technical and tactical failures: Already being ignored in favor of criticizing the team’s lack of “personality”
Trinidad and Tobago: Should feel pretty bad about spoiling three hundred million people’s dreams of seeing their country stumble to a limp third-place finish in their World Cup group
Christian Pulisic: The only American player I’m going to miss seeing at the World Cup, which is damning in its own way
Bruce Arena: Ultimately, you have to chalk up this defeat to Arenal failure
The terrible pun I just subjected you to: I am so, so sorry
Chile: Also failed to qualify for the World Cup today, which is notable because they’re an actually good team
Last year, having already written a deeply underappreciated spoof of “No More Parties In L.A.” in which Ted Cruz and John Kasich argue that they could still beat Donald Trump for the Republican nomination if they just had one more G.O.P. debate, I made the in hindsight thoroughly ill-advised decision to parody the rest of Kanye West’s 2016 album, The Life of Pablo, but make it about Republicans. Thus, The Life of Ronald was born. (more…)
The Desk of Dr. #Content 